Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Exhaustion, in many forms

I'm feeling worn to a nub, as though I have nothing left to give or contribute in so many places in my life.

First I'm so worried about my boy and reading. Partly because I really want him to enjoy the worlds that are opened to one with fiction, be it graphic novels, science fiction, fantasy, mysteries, or literature. I saw this poster by Mary GrandPre (Artist for the American Harry Potter books) and it just reminds me so much of how books take me away, let me live another life. Partly because I really do get that it is really, really hard to get around the world without the ability to read. Partly also because my husband keeps reminding me that he is 'functionally illiterate' and I feel like a complete failure every time I hear him say it out loud.

Second, I'm dealing with 'female problems' (David this is the paragraph to skip) I have 'endometrial hyperplasia w/o atypia' Basically my endometrium grows too much but it isn't pre-cancerous just a hormone imbalance that needs to be put back into balance. I went to have an ultrasound today and it was emotionally exhausting. The last time I had an ultrasound was when I found out my last pregnancy was no longer viable. Add to it that this stuff is all perimenopause stuff and it just points out that my baby days are well and truly behind me. It hurt more than I thought it would hurts more than I thought it would.

Third my husband was gone for 9 days and he will have more travel this summer for work. It is so exhausting to be the only parent and teacher for that long. He does not travel much and so when he does it throws us all off. So there was more fighting and arguing between me and my boy, we did finally find a balance for the last couple of days but it was a hard won peace.

Fourth I now have a dog, a dog that is defacto mine, and I never, ever in my life wanted a dog. She is sweet but she is still a puppy and has decided that the house training she knew is gone. I HATE that my house now smells like dog pee and that I find dog poop around the house, cause that smells even worse.

I know my life is good, I know that we are working on finding ways to teach my boy to read, and that I will be able to slow the bleeding and have a more normal life without having to have a hysterectomy. I'm going to get alone time. I'm going to find a balance in my life again I just need to work on it.

If you would like to see the rest of the posters made for the Scholastic Read Every Day Lead a Better Life campaign you can see it here...Scholastic: "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

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