I'm trying to find happy, I really am...

Today started sucky and even though nothing monumentally bad has happened I'm just not feeling any happiness.

So here goes trying to purge the shit so I can release it and move on. I have made 17 phone calls/emails to the insurance company's financial 'planning' office, my doctor's office, the hospital when the procedures are going to take place and the pathologist's office who will, maybe, be doing the biopsy analysis after the procedures. I need to get the information in writing because we have been SCREWED in the past by not getting medical estimates in writing. As in I was quoted $1,100 for the surgeon's time and he charged us $10,000. While this time is different because we at least have a max out of pocket we will have to spend, and we are basically going to just get to that point, it still feels perilous.

I am questioning if the procedure is really necessary. Do we really have to pay $4200 to make sure they didn't miss something with the first test. If I'm responding to the meds doesn't that mean it really is the hormonal version and not the cancer version? This sucks.

I'm tired, and worn out about this and I have no idea what to do but wait.

I was thinking that I have recieved a lot of information this week and was waiting for answers but realized while I have answers for the dyslexia, I don't actually have any answers to the medical issues, I'm fighting for information that isn't actuallly informational. What do you call data that doesn't inform and is just to cover your ass? I mean each and every person I talked to and each piece of paper has said that this is an estimate and if the procedure takes longer or there are complications the amount will change. So data but not real data yet. I can't pay anything on it yet, I can't use it to learn anything. Ugh.

All that said, I'm feeling better for having written it up. For putting into words that this feeling of being on a hamster wheel really is being on a hamster wheel with no progress.