I am so bad at this parenting thing

Oh I am a bad mother, a bad teacher and overall a bad woman. Or at least that was how I was feeling this morning.

I posted this to FB this morning:

Because let me tell you, yesterday SUCKED. I was ready to send the child to the nearest military school, I was certain he was NEVER going to learn to read, or at least never learn to read from me, and I said out loud that I didn't think I was a very good teacher for him. Which with my child is the same as saying I no longer wanted to be his Mommy, or at least that is how he heard it, with a little bit of if he was just a better child I would still love him. (I am of course guessing all this because while the child will never, ever, ever shut up he will also never, ever, ever talk about his feelings.)

Today I started it with that wish, sadly a bloody mary did not appear and we tried to do school again, and ended up in the same damn argument we have in some form or another. I say do A he says can't I do X? I say no we are doing A. He says well there was that one time you let me do X before doing A why can't we do that now. I say because you then melted down when we had to do A we are not doing X first, then there is crying, usually on both parts. I love that argument, I tried to get my BF to tell me I would miss this argument in 10 years (her boy is 10 years older than mine) She laughed and said, sure, of course you will, then laughed some more, then offered to go get  a pedicure with me (hooray something to look forward to), but not go to LA for the weekend (boo).

We get past that argument and then we have the.same.damn.argument but this time I say write X here, but you may look at what you wrote previously, he says can't I write it below what I wrote previously? I say no and start to lose my shit because damn it I have already had this fucking argument with you once today and I am so.........

breathe ami.........

Oh wait, it is totally fine if you write there, it saves paper, gives you more confidence and yes, you may, but of course it does not come out like that, instead it comes out like "Fine" "Write it there" and the boy, thinking we are still in the middle of our normal fight starts to shut down.

I then get us both to breathe and I explain to him that I am the kind of person that likes things done according to the rules, if you tell me where to write I will write there and nowhere else. He is the kind of person who will look at what you tell him and he will look right back at you and say, but what about (insert a million different options or just one that is completely at odds with what was just said)..... and I went on to explain that this is a good thing, this is something that is going to be important as he grows up. I want him questioning why someone tells him to do something. I want him to look at someone and say "Why the hell do you want me to try that drug/drink/donkey" I am raising a boy to become a man in a world where it is all too easy to follow the leader and the leader isn't always right.

So we breathed and we made it through the day without the help of bloody mary or any of her friends, although her cousin beer is calling my name right now. And I think maybe I'm not the worst mother, teacher, woman on the face of the planet. Breathing.


And as a footnote to this, later in the day I was looking at FB and there was one of those side ads for something called Hot Shots and he read it. He read it out loud with no hesitation and with utter confidence. You guys this is HUGE!!!!! he is starting to read, I am helping him learn to fucking read! OMG!!!!!!!! Now, of course he will one day be able to read over my shoulder and I will have to be careful about when I post but for right now HE IS STARTING TO READ!!!!!!!!!